I recently had an adventure: it was a date with a man with whom I had been having email and phone conversations for quite a while, and we planned to finally meet in person. I had become excited and even breathless as I anticipated meeting this man who had succeeded in inspiring me to imagine that he might even be “the one”… As I was on my way to meet him, I wondered what it would be like; would our meeting exceed my expectations, or would I be disappointed? Soon enough, I would find out.

Every experience has within it the seeds of opportunity: the opportunity to learn something new, to review lessons forgotten, and to grow in awareness about ourselves and those around us.

What I learned, as I reviewed the adventure of this date, was that it is important to actually meet a prospective romantic partner in person first before jumping to any conclusions about anything at all. A person can look great on a profile; the pictures can be delightful and beautiful and/or handsome. None of that matters. What matters is what the body tells us when we finally meet face-to-face, eyeball to eyeball, energy to energy.

Just to summarize the story: he entered ten minutes after our appointment. As he walked toward me, I could feel the energy in my body drop. Everything in my cells was screaming “no, no, no!” As he approached me, I felt a shudder — not a shiver of delight, but a shudder of repulsion. My body was saying “he is not the one…go home!”

I felt as if I had already grown to know this man and felt a sort of responsibility to spend some time with him, although I’m not quite sure why. He leaned down to kiss me and I wanted to turn away. As we walked along the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, I felt increasingly distant and lonely. At dinner, the conversation was forced. When the bill came, I offered to pay for my dinner and he agreed. As I was signing the bill, he added “the tip is $4.40.” That confirmed everything my body had known from the moment he first walked toward me: this is a man who is stingy, self-absorbed, and intrusive, to say the least. I could never share life with a man who would have the audacity to tell me what I should tip for a meal I was funding! I could never share a life with a man who could leave me feeling lonely because there was never one question about me, about my life, about my interests, although I had engaged in conversation in which I asked about him.

Your body knows everything. It is important to listen to that mind-body connection that my friend and colleague Karol Ward talks about in her wonderful TEDx talk. We are all magnificent mind-body-spirit beings of energy and intuitive wisdom, if we would simply listen to our bodies.

Many years ago, when I was in the midst of a hugely important decision-making process, I consulted my body for the answer to a question: “do I go…or do I stay?” What was at stake was my career, my lifestyle, my work, my livelihood. Yet, I listened to my body as I asked that question over a decade ago. My body was clear: “it’s time to go…” it told me. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was heart-wrenching and one of the most difficult decisions of my lifetime. Truly. Who knows what my life would have been like, had I stayed where I was. in leaving, walking away, and moving toward another path, I shifted the entire direction of my life and my work. Was it easy? No. Did my body know? Yes.

Perhaps there is an important question on your mind; a decision you need to make and you’re not quite sure how to decide. I suggest you follow Karol’s guidance in this video: listen carefully to what your body tells you. It never lies.

To your Joyful Life and Loving Relationships,

Sheila

If we don’t allow ourselves to experience joy and love, we don’t live fully. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we find what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

How do we protect ourselves from feeling hurt, pain, disappointment, joy, love…?

We find ways to numb ourselves, anticipate disappointment, minimize excitement and joy, and avoid taking any risks whatsoever in the direction of uncertainty. A new love relationship is risky. Perhaps we decide not to go there. A new job is risky. Perhaps we stay in the old one, although we are miserable.

We associate vulnerability with weakness. It is not true. Vulnerability is at the core of anxiety, shame, fear; it is also the birthplace of love, joy, faith and ultimate bliss…

Disappointment can become a lifestyle; it is easier to LIVE disappointment rather than FEEL it.

We sidestep getting excited about something because we’re not sure it’s going to happen.

Perfection is one of the 200-pound shield: it has nothing to do with striving for excellence. Perfectionism has nothing to do with striving for excellence; it is simply a tool to protect ourselves from fear.

Spirituality is inherently vulnerable.

What is driving this intolerance for vulnerability? It is scarcity: we live in a culture in which we learn that we are not enough…

In our ordinary lives is really where we can find the most joy.

To your Joyful Life!
Sheila

My friends Angela and Becky had been telling me about this new women’s networking group that met in Goshen and invited me to go with them on a Wednesday evening in October several years ago. As I walked into the restaurant, I noticed a tall stately and elegantly dressed woman with a broad smile. She looked like royalty; I was drawn to her and wondered “who is this woman?” as if I was in the presence of greatness of some kind yet to be determined.

“Brenda is my name…and who might you be?” she asked. I learned that Brenda had been making her own clothes for years — the finely tailored melon-colored suit she was wearing was one of her own creations. She then proceeded to tell me about her work and her passion for college scholarships. She was dedicated to helping students get into the colleges of their choice and to assist them in making applications for scholarships.

I was totally drawn to Brenda: the greatness I had sensed was within this noble and sweet woman had little to do with her talents as a seamstress or her new business in scholarship consulting.  It would be several years before I would fully understand the nature of Brenda’s greatness and how deeply her courage would touch me and all who had known her.

After I first met Brenda at that NWIN business dinner over six years ago, she and I became friends; she was also a client for a brief period of time when she asked for some guidance and inspiration in moving ahead with her business. About three years ago, I learned that Brenda was battling cancer; she was not given a positive prognosis. Nonetheless, Brenda pursued every avenue, followed every possible opportunity to capture the essence of life, despite huge challenges and financial hardships. Despite the odds, Brenda prevailed and emerged victorious. She stood tall, wearing those gorgeous and colorful suits she had made for herself. This past Fall she was honored and acknowledged by Independent Living; she spoke eloquently about the dignity and support this magnificent organization had made possible for her and her family. She had slain the dragon. She was victorious and thriving. It seemed…

Last week, I received word from our mutual friends that Brenda had been admitted to the Kaplan Family Hospice Residence in Newburgh. A few days after her admittance, I visited her. This past Friday night, I was having a very different kind of dinner from the one we shared that first night I met her years ago:  Brenda’s college friend and I were sharing a pizza as we lent our presence to an awesome “birthing” process as Brenda slept peacefully in her room at the Hospice Residence.

The moment I walked into Brenda’s room, I knew that Friday evening would be her time of passage to her next chapter. During the past three decades, I’ve assisted many people, including my dear husband, in this sacred passage from the physical to the purely spiritual realm of life. I have experienced this passage as a part of life; it may seem like death because most of us define life as everything physical and when the physical ceases to function we call it death. I have learned that this process is a birthing into pure spirit. A birthing of the energetic ripple effect of a human being’s foot print left behind after the body has ceased to breathe.

As I sat quietly with Brenda, breathing along with her, as she was nearing her last breath, I recalled the few years of her valiant and courageous dedication to life: she was not going to accept defeat; she kept her spirits high even when the doctors gave little hope for her survival of her cancer. In the midst of many kinds of hardship and challenge, Brenda remained the ever-present nobility and sweet spirit of grace.

Friday night, as she was transitioning to pure spirit, Brenda was surrounded by love: her good friends and cousins were with her. I was also with her, assuring her that she was loved and that each of us in her life will continue to honor her memory and be inspired by her courage.

When someone we love has taken that last breath, there are ways that we can step into another level of gratitude for life which lifts the spirit and honors the person who is no longer with us physically.

I offer here – for Brenda’s friends and family, and for those of you who never knew Brenda but have had your own losses – some words of consolation and comfort:

RABBI MORRIS JOSEPH:

It is not God’s role to spare us suffering but to help us bear it. When the visitation we dread finds us, we do well to ask for the strength which will uphold us, for the insight which will reveal new wisdom to us, for the special power which will transform our suffering into a source of blessing. And to such a prayer there is always an answer…
Something precious has been taken from us, and we think of it as something we have lost, instead of something we have had. We sense only how empty our lives are now; we forget how full they were before; we forget the many days and years we shared.
We praise God for our treasures while we have them. Shall we cease to praise God when they are gone? For God never gives but only lends. What is life itself but a loan? “Everything,” said the Sages, “is give in pledge.”
Let us consider the days which have passed not as loss, but as gain – the gain which comes with new courage, with nobler tasks, with a wider outlook on life, with a greater awareness of life’s duties and possibilities.

RABBI MORRIS ADLER:
Our yesterdays are beyond the reach of death,
When our love transforms them into
living influences.
Thus we continue to be guided by a light
Which transcends time and defies death.

RABBI ABRAHAM JOSHUA HESCHEL:
There are three ways we respond to sorrow.
On the first level, we cry.
On the second level, we are silent.
On the highest level,
we take sorrow–and turn it into song.

THICH NHAT HANH:

“Studying death can help each of us become someone who has a great capacity for being solid, calm, and without fear. Even so, we often feel anything but solid and calm when someone we love dies. Death stirs up conflicted feelings in the hearts of those left behind–some of us feel shaky and tender; others are shocked and angry; almost everyone is confused and unsettled. All of these feelings are included in what we call grief.”

JOHN O’DONOHUE:

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us look for you only in memory,
where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones…

* * * * * * * * * * *

When someone we love has passed, it is a reminder that each of us has our time; we never know when that time will be. Saying “goodbye” is not only sad because we will miss our beloved, but sad because we face our own mortality. I found myself musing about what it is that makes life matter. After all, we want others to miss us when we no longer have breath, don’t we?

What matters for you? Some things that matter for me are: hugs, smiles, laughter, and knowing I matter to someone else. In memory and honor of Brenda and others in your life you want to remember, dedicate yourself to letting the people in your life that matter to you know that THEY matter to YOU. Give them the experience of being important to YOU. Let them see you smile at them when they are approaching you; let them feel your warmth with a hug and kiss when you see each other. There is nothing more telling and precious that seeing the light of loving recognition in someone else’s eyes as you approach one another.

Make sure YOU matter!

With love and blessings,
Sheila

Researcher and author, Brene Brown, conducted an in-depth research project into the phenomenon of the sense of worthiness. In a period of over six years, she studied hundreds of people who had the strong sense of love and belonging. She discovered that those who have a strong sense of love and belonging BELIEVE they are worthy of love and belonging. In this TEDTalk Brene Brown talks about what she has learned about the deep sense of worthiness.

What those who had a deep sense of worthiness had in common was a sense of courage: that word “courage” comes from the Latin “coeur” (heart) - having the courage to be open-hearted and imperfect. It’s about having the capacity to have compassion with Self; without being compassionate with yourself, how can you have it for someone else? Brown connected the dots between the willingness to exercise courage with the ability to live in a state of authenticity.

These people Brown studied fully embraced vulnerabilty: they believed that what made them vulnerable also made them beautiful. They talked about vulnerability being necessary; about the willingness to say “I love you” first; the willingness to say “there are no guarantees.” They exhibited a willingness to invest in a relationship which may or may not work out.

The key to living fully in our full-out vitality: the way to live is with vulnerability. Uncertainty. A willingness to risk and live with a courageous open heart.

We live in a world that is obsessed with numbing vulnerability. You cannot selectively numb emotion. when you say you don’t want to feel one emotion, you are also ruling out all the rest. When we numb the “negative” emotions, we also numb joy and happiness.

The human condition is having the choice of feeling it all. When we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we can also allow ourselves to be fully alive.

To your Joyful Loving Life!
Sheila

Are you going to learn how to “love consciously?” Instead of your relationship be something that just makes you feel safe and secure, what if your most significant relationship was more about you growing and learning what it’s like to live a life with a lasting and evolving love? Imagine saying “I love loving you, flaws and all!” Unfortunately, most couples begin their relationships having the agenda of changing the other, in order to meet their current needs. What if we agree to grow together, move beyond your relationship, and grow to the “bliss” stage.

Which stage are you in now? Where would you like to be?

Stay tuned… I will be sharing all kinds of wonderful advice and resources for you as you are seeking to experience all of the possibilities of love — and bliss!

To your Joyful and Loving Relationships,
Sheila

Dr. Sylvia Gearing talks about the #1 relationship wrecker: Financial Infidelity. It can appear to be innocent; it can even appear to be appropriate to have “my money, your money, and our money…” Some couples maintain separate accounts, and each may be blind and clueless about what each other is doing with the money they make and spend. Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, in her book Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker,” guides couples through the seven steps to creating a loving marital relationship that lasts. It includes being open with one another about income, spending, budget, investments, and planning ahead. It includes the notion that partnership in life includes the financial transparency and honesty that builds trust and creates true intimacy between partners.

If you are hiding the evidence of something you bought and don’t want you partner to know about it, you are on your way to damaging your relationship. If you purchase something, go on a shopping spree with a friend, and find yourself saying something like “don’t tell my husband what I spent!” you are your way to a big problem somewhere down the road.

We are all creatures of habit, and I will share an example of how that habit can have a dangerous ripple effect: Roslyn was a compulsive buyer throughout her 40-year marriage and her husband frequently paid off large credit-card balances to avoid the interest charges. The financial drain and constant secrecy threatened Roslyn’s marriage several times. Now, Roslyn is a grandmother and recently took her granddaughter shopping. When she brought Samantha home from their shopping spree, she said to Samantha “don’t tell your grandpa what we bought to day, ok? It’s our secret.” Samantha’s father overheard the conversation and knowing about his mother’s long-time spending addiction, quickly intervened: “we don’t have secrets, mother…Please don’t ask Samantha to keep secrets from grandpa.”

Secrets are relationship wreckers, because they lead to a sense of betrayal and alienation. Be careful what secrets to are trying to keep.

When it comes to how we spend our money, honesty is the only thing that works in a marriage. Anything else spells danger for the future of your relationship.

To your Joyful and Loving Relationships,
Sheila

John Gray is talking about the kind of communication that works in relationships.  First: your attitude matters.  If you are beginning a conversation with the attitude of judging someone else or changing someone else, you’re already in trouble. Remember: everything is energy. Thoughts have energy. Attitudes have energy.

Think about it: if you have the intention to change someone else, don’t you think it’s possible that attitude is contagious? That attitude will affect your body language, your tone of voice, the look on your face. That attitude will determine the results of your conversation, regardless of the words you speak.

If you want to communicate effectively, you first need to communicate authentically. That honest and transparent energy goes a long way to open the channels to communication that works. Otherwise, that other person on the receiving end of an attitude that is filled with an agenda to change them will feel defensive or guarded, or both.

Watch this brief video a couple of times. John Gray really knows what he’s talking about!

To your Loving Relationships,
Sheila

Cheating. Lying. Hiding. Withholding. Sneaking. Not talking about it. Not dealing with it. Not knowing what your emotional attachments are about it…

It’s all about the money: how you spend it, talk about it, use it, account for it, and plan together about it.

If you or your partner are secretive in any way about how you are spending your money, are not talking about what your income and expenses are, are not aware of the details of your bank accounts — joint and individual — your relationship is in danger.

I’ve been working with couples for over 30 years on relationship issues, and in my experience, the primary culprit which has been at the source of conflict, build up of resentment, breakdown of intimacy in the bedroom, and eventual crisis in relationship which often leads to divorce is “financial infidelity.”. The extent to which couples can openly discuss their finances and responsibly plan together how to effectively budget their money points to the ultimate health of their relationship.

I will begin a series on this topic, and invite you to visit my blog often and to comment — let’ s talk about the money!

To your joyful life!
Sheila

Most of us have stress. Some kind of stress. Not all stress is bad, you know. Even when it FEELS like it’s bad, it might actually be beneficial. Regardless of the kind of stress you are feeling weighting you down, I have a suggestion:

BLESS YOUR STRESS.

Yes. I know it may sound strange. But there is a benefit to your stopping, taking a big breath, smiling, and saying to yourself “I bless my stress!”

Perhaps you are in a relationship which is stressing you. Apply the wisdom of Wabi Sabi love: see the so-called imperfection as your opportunity to deepen your relatioship. Bless the crack in the armor, the imperfection that normally drives you nuts.

When you can bless your stress, you reduce the stress you are already feeling.

To your joyful and liberated life!
Sheila

When you are thinking about balancing your life, it is more important for you to manage your energy, and less important to focus on time management. When you can be fully present to each moment of your life, time expands and energy lifts. Funny how it works that way!

Please visit some of my other sites:

www.SheilaPearl.com

www.AgelessAndSexyBooks.com

www.AgelessAndSexyDating.com