This past week in our Hudson Valley community has been marked by sadness and perplexity:  how can a 13-year-old girl decide to hang herself?  What drives a young girl, on her way to womanhood and a full life ahead of her to take it all away?  And how do her parents cope with the pain and sadness?  How do her friends compute this insanity?  And how do we, some of us who don’t even know the parents or don’t know the child, how do we integrate this news into our lives, when we are already surrounded by challenges and difficulties that often defy our strength and fortitude?!?!?

In the midst of facilitating a full-day, 8-hour workshop which is entitled “YOU CAN BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT!”, we all looked at some of the above questions, asking ourselves if it is really possible to be “happy” in the midst of this kind of tragedy.  My answer is: “Yes”…it IS possible!  How?  You ask…

I am be “happy” from the inside out, even though my heart could be breaking from sadness and pain from something that has happened in my world.  I could be feeling pain that doesn’t HAVE to consume every fiber of my being.  I could be feeling sadness that doesn’t HAVE to consume every nook and cranny of my life, my thoughts, and my world of emotions.

That doesn’t mean that I am suggesting that the parents, family and friends of this young girl could be expected to dance joyously at anyone’s wedding right now–it’s not for nothing that in Jewish tradition, people who have suffered a loss in their lives are not either requested (or in some traditions, allowed) to celebrate at weddings and other “happy” occasions, let they be challenged in participating in an event which is still difficult for them.  When someone is feeling the pain of sadness, the thought of jumping up and down for joy is foreign and inconceivable.  Many years ago, when I lost a child, I couldn’t imagine singing or laughing or enjoying myself, almost as if to say that to do so would indicate that my loss didn’t matter.  There are times we need to allow ourselves to feel the pain fully; to fully acknowledge the feelings of sadness.

In most traditions, there are coping mechanisms built into the traditions of grieving: there is a rhythm that is recommended, and action steps to follow.  For example, the first coping step is to be silent.  Allow for the impact of the tragedy to be felt:  be fully present to whatever it is you are feeling.  Don’t try to distract yourself.  Don’t try to deny the pain.  Allow yourself to be a human being who is feeling the kind of pain that feels like your heart is going break into a million pieces.  Trust me!  I’ve been there!  You won’t die!  Yes…your heart is broken.  But YOU are still standing…or lying down in your sea of tears…  Let them roll!  I do believe that tears are the lubricant for the broken heart.  Let the tears fall!  You are in good company, as you allow yourself to feel the very emotions that we human beings are created to feel: sadness and despair.  We’re also created to feel other emotions:  gratitude, wonder, joy, and acceptance.  Allow yourself to FEEL!

After the silence.  After the period of time in which you allow yourself to break open and fall apart–we all need to do that, throughout our lives, many times!–you can then seek to connect with others.  Hug someone.  Talk with someone about what you are feeling; about the person whom you have lost; about the things for which you are GRATEFUL, in the midst of this pain…

Start taking action by connecting with others–create ways that you can be of service to others, while also needing others to hold onto you.  Begin to reach out to connect to your world.  Find ways to “add value” to others, in honor and/or in memory of the person you have lost.  Begin to create a context for this tragedy that gives you the experience of being in a world in which you are not alone and you matter, and others matter to you.

Then…after some time has passed, allow yourself to sing.  And…yes…dance!  Allow yourself to celebrate and acknowledge life.  Having life and celebrating it is our way of honoring the life that has been taken or lost to us.  It is our way of saying that we FEEL more fully, ACKNOWLEDGE more deeply, and CHERISH more completely this thing we call LIFE…because we have suffered the loss. 

Each time we experience the loss of life in our midst, whether it is a stranger or someone in our own family, it is a reminder that LIFE is a GIFT to be treasured each day.  As we are feeling our pain, we can say “thank you” for the ability to FEEL… As we say “thank you”, we are also feeling GRATITUDE.  The feeling of gratitude is a healing energy that takes us back toward feeling “happy”… Yes!  HAPPY!  HAPPY to be alive, as we are feeling everything we are feeling–the ups and the downs, but good and the bad, the sadness and the joy…it’s all there! 

This sweet child who was only 13…what was she thinking?!?!  We may never know!  Was she playing a game that just spun out of control?  We may never know!  But this much I DO know: her life was not just about HER–her young life is part of all of life in our universe.  Her action has affected us all…her young life has had an impact on us all…reminding us that LIFE is fragile, emotions are volatile, and that the only thing we EVER have is the moment of NOW.  Everything else is an illusion.

I invite you to ENJOY the NOW of your LIFE!  I invite you to honor this 13-year-old’s life…by choosing to ENJOY yours!  NOW!